heyo. I am just here to rant again.

I am not particularly depressed persay but there is something I feel like I am missing and I can't place my finger on it. with my college portfolio deadline having passed (my own personal deadline anyway) I feel like I am perpetually in a state of missing something. maybe it's talent in my art....I feel like I haven;t set enough time for just my drawing time aside. I am always working on life drawing or comissions and I haven't had Me time. >>

well...I really have all these ideas in my head that I can't seem to execute...
baah. anyway, thanks for reading, all.

wow....deadline, creeping up...SO FAST! AAAH! >.< I am so stressed and I barely have enough time to do everyhting. I gotta get on the ball...get...moving!!! uugh. freaking out. so there may be a few delays on art, to any of you who await it with bated breath. *laughs a little* anyway....stressed....

Yes! I feel festive! christmas is right around the corner! just in time for my renewed christian spirit to leap forth! heh, kinda corny I know.
but anyway, this quote from Gangs of new york (yes it is from the bible, just heard it there) "You are neither cold nor hot; you are lukewarm, so I spit you from my mouth,"...
that quote hit me like a ton of bricks and I realized...am I lukewarm? am I one of the ones God has spit from his mouth? well I do feel a little more chrisitan, but I have been building up to those stages. I am coming from almost an entirely non christian past and renewing my vows with God.
Not only has this path been painful, but mournful. I know I have to change so much about myself and so many things I have thought. I believe what I believe and I have always believed in a higher being.

But the reason I feel lukewarm...I feel lukewarm because I feel like I need some sort of sign...I know God is there, but it's almost like he passes me by...like I am a lukewarm bath unfit for bathing in. this path has been harm for me...people say i am only following my friends influence...(hi, razi!)...yes, she showed me a path that had been shrouded, but the rest was on my own. I have my own opinions and own arguments in my head that I have been toiling over
so anyway, if anyone has any advice to offer, feel free. otherwise, I will toil on my own

mmsigh. I am being absurdly Pms ridden but I just...gotta rant.
so my boyfriend told me that the guys want a night out with just them. not me...just the guys. most people would say "okay, good, I'll go out with my friends," and there inlies the problem. aside from my boyfriend and his friends, I have no friends in colorado. None. The only one who I would call is in California, and she is my only female friend anymore.

so this means I spend all day alone, and then all night alone. alone alone alone to stew in my aloneness. I am alone during the days every weekday. well my boyfriend was very nice and stayed at home with me...
He says it's to talk about things they wouldn't around me...I htink that's a lame excuse to say they don;t want me around and I am annoying. of course my boyfriend says I am so paranoid he thinks I should get my head checked. maybe so...
but still they are my only friends in colorado. It's effectively the same thing as a girlie sleepover and your the only girl in a group of friends not invited. that f'ing sucks. AND IT'S SO STUPID TO PUT A GENDER TO THINGS!! I mean, I am essentially a fucking guy! calvin (bf) says it's to talk about things like porn...which is stupid cause I spent a lot of time drawing and selling it. sooo next excuse? NONE!!! If they don;t have a problem with me being around then why have so many guys nights in the first place? I really just wanna double over and cry and scream, bu that would be immature. this would be the third our fourth time in the last two months of the few times we have tried to get together. I know it's because I annoy patrick and zach. what's worse is that they don't fucking admit it. I don't honestly know about travis or bryce. I would hope they don't care because of all the guys I really only care what they think of me. sometimes patrick and zach are such pricks anyway. It's their way or the highway baby! lets watch a fuckin heist movie and drink booze and smoke! and if no one wants to do that...TOO BAD! They'll do it anyway. that's all they want to ever do which is so stupid anyway. But Travis and zach are okay. (I know some of you reading this have no idea who I am talking about) but for those of you who do, well....yeah I am whining. It feels good to whine and be upset once in a while. I have been holding so much back and now I just wanna scream. I mean, I can;t really imagine what I do to annoy them. ...*sigh* I am going to stop ranting now. >.<

so I was watching this documentary on the city of sodom and Gomorra and scientists, were as usual, trying to disprove or prove that the phenomenon of the destroyed cities happened.
of course...disproving. Not that they had overwhelming evidence either. sure, it is easier to say that it was a phenomenon of nature or an earthquake, and that it's not really our fault when we are punished. this woman scientist was going on and on about how ludicrous it was to say that a wrathful god did this to us. yeah it is easier to brush it all off. >.> All they had was speculations. well the pillars of salt could have been, and the collapsed building could indiciate....
it was crazy. (funny how the next documentary was saying that the bible code was true...)

Here is my opinion on the matter. When things happen they happen for a reason. I am not saying it's destiny, or that we can't change it, but nothing happens for no reason. we are all put here to do something with ourselves; why is it that humans have more of an overwhelming urge to take themselves further, to do something? That's what we were put here to do. animals are here to live and survive. we all have a purpose, even if the very essense of it is survival. Some of us will grow up and have wonderful children, some may die in a car accident, some may become the next revolutionaire!
here is a small bit of proof to help my case. A.I.D.S . Now I have done so much reasearch on the virus, the outbreak in the homosexual community, how it works etc. for those of you who don;t know, it's an opportunistic virus, laying dormant as H.I.V until something triggers it to start reproducing A.I.D.S cells in the T-cells, the main immune system in humans. they essentially eat the T-cell, and leave us with no immunity. Anyway, in the outbreak of A.I.D.S homosexual men were contracting it like crazy, dropping like flies left and right. A male stewardess who traveled had mad crazy jungle sex with everyone he met (Gay males) and spread this virus. So this explains why homosexual men had it and why straight people did not. so everyone thought it to be a selective virus towards homosexual men. (A) impossible) But in the eighties and early seventies, we were just sort of slowing down on our crazy sixties jungle sex. (words of the day) heres a fact we all know to be true. sex is cool. as a highschooler if you don't have sex before you are eighteen you are a looser.
I am not saying celibacy is the way, but sex is not either. There is a reason the bible says not to have rampant sex with everyone. Here is A.I.D.S now having murdered countires worth of people, and still going strong, teenage pregnancy calls for abortionsm teenagers lying to their parents and throwing babies in dumpsters, etc. This kills economies because people can't go to school and get good jobs, etc.
First, let me be the first to say that sex IS healthy for the body. you stretch almost every muscle, sweating cleans your pores, and you loose mucho calories. The myth of the loss of semen has long been disproved, in fact, males who masturbate have been found to live longer lives.
basically what I am saying is that; Yes, we can be divinely punished for our actions, and it happens everyday.

I think as humans we do have the power the change our destiny and that is what god wants us to do. saying we can't help the enviroment because it will burn anyway is silly! here we could make a heaven on earth and humans are too damn preoccupied with saying who is wrong and who is right to realize this. remember the old saying "thou shalt not kill?" Ya know I am just positive that slaughtering people of another creed is just what that's talking about. here war is condoned but If I kill somone it's a sin.

Political leaders are Immune of course. I know it sometimes cannot be helped. don;t get me wrong... I just feel like everyone ignores everyone else because of their religion or beliefs...if oyu tell someone they are wrong, will they listen to you? no.

I guess today to whoever reads this I just....challenge you to be happy. It is contagious. if someone makes a mistake, don;t yell at them. we can make changes, even on a small manner.

it'll halp a lot....

ugh. >.> sorry. my rage with the human race it increased since I became a bit more christian. so I ranted to you guys...